Searching for Love
by Larien Larry Arnatuile
Summary: I never thought I would ever do what I did. But I did so here I am. And this is my story that no one has ever told before now.
1. Chapter 1

**I have to leave **

Larien Larry Arnatuile

_Do you believe in love?_

I ran. I ran from that place. That place I am supposed to call home. The pavement under my feet, my heart in my throat, and my lungs burning for air were all I was aware of.

_Do you believe in happiness?_

My breath came out in sharp gasps as I ran and my muscles were aching. I had no coherent thoughts; shock was clouding my mind.

_Would you give up everything to have love in your life? Would you leave everything behind to find happiness?_

A pain was growing in my chest. I knew my adrenaline rush would soon wear out but I was ready to push myself to my limits to put as much distance between _that place_ and myself.

_If you could, would you leave and give yourself another chance at life?_

The stitch in my side was growing. But still no thoughts would come to my head. Only a blissful, mind-numbing blankness existed as far as I was concerned.

I tripped. Pain erupted in my head as it suddenly connected with the hard concrete pavement. I could hear shouts in the distance and willed myself to run but I couldn't. It felt as though I was a magnet, and the ground was the metal which held me in place. Gravity held me captive.

"There she is! She's lying on the sidewalk! Olivia! _Olivia_!"

Groggily I raised my head and didn't register immediately the blood that my head was in. I must have cut it when I fell. Moments after I lifted my head from the cold ground I smelled the sharp, metallic smell of it.

"Olivia _get up_! You're drawing unwanted attention to yourself!"

I was barely conscious. I couldn't distinguish words or form a single thought. My vision was blurry when I opened my eyes. People were screaming and faintly there was a siren wailing. But I didn't notice.

All at once everything came rushing at me. Like a train. Suddenly I was aware of everything. The person shouting at me was my mum. The siren wailing _was_ a siren. And it was coming this way.

"Please help her, I don't know what to do," I heard my mother pleading. She actually sounded genuinely upset...

"There's blood on the ground around her and she won't move. I'm not sure if it's minor or if it's something serious..." She must have been on the phone. Too late. I think someone else had already called an ambulance.

"Where at 756 Ripplea lane," She said with a hint of relief in her voice.

_Why should you care?_ I thought bitterly as she bent over me. That thought was the last thing that went through my mind before my head hit the ground again and I fell unconscious.

* * *

"Olivia? Olivia, wake up, please," I heard someone whispering to me. It took my brain a moment before I realised that it was my sister, Vicky, speaking to me. She was six years old and worried about everything.

I blinked once and looked around and noticed that I was in a hospital. Was it really as serious as all that?

"Good morning Olivia," a cherry, red-faced nurse said as she walked briskly into the room, clipboard and pen ready on hand.

"Good morning," I replied warily. Was this a mental hospital?

"I am Nurse Gordan, and I have some pills here for you to take if you are feeling any pain, if that's alright," Nurse Gordan said with a smile as she placed the small container containing the pills by my bedside.

I looked up to thank her politely but she was exiting already and telling Vicky that she should leave soon as well. She looked at me after that as if asking if she should leave. Before grabbing my hand and tying to smile.

"When mummy said that you were in here I was really scared that you would die," she whispered, her forehead wrinkled with worry.

"Aw sweetie," I murmured quietly as I brushed her blond halo of curls from her face. I then yawned and Vicky got ready to leave.

"Bye, Liv," she whispered but I was already halfway asleep.

* * *

When I woke up again it was dark. I assumed it was around midnight. I looked around the darkened room and my gaze fell on an object the moon just _happened_ to be shining on.

The jar of pills.

I hesitated before grabbing them and the glass of cool water beside the plastic container holding those little pills. I didn't stop to consider it before I started swallowing the pills with gulps of water one by one.

As I did it I thought about what would happen when I died. Yes people would mourn me but my mother would probably be glad I was gone. It's not like she cared about me. Her standing there in the doorway of the kitchen holding the knife was the last straw. She liked Vicky. Vicky would be okay.

My water was gone but I continued swallowing the pills dry. It was difficult and they seemed to stick in my throat as I tried to choke them down but I continued nonetheless. I started coughing. I had downed around ten or eleven pills by then and I knew I couldn't do anymore. I just hoped it was enough.

The hospital beds seemed to swallow me up and I felt very uncomfortable. Again, my vision became blurry and there was a roaring in my ears that I knew no one else would be able to hear, even if anyone else was awake. I tried to cry out but found I couldn't and I started choking on my own breath.

As everything around me faded I sent a prayer up to whoever was up there and screamed in my mind that I was so sorry to Vicky.

After that I knew no more. And it was terrifying for me when it happened.


	2. Chapter Two

**Authors'**** note: In bold it is the charactors thoughts (that's only at the end) and um, oh yeah disclaimer!**

**I DO NOT OWN LOTR...**

**But I do own some virtual cookies for those who review!**

**LalaithElerrina: Thank you so much for your review! Please accept a virtual cookie!**

* * *

Frost on Red Roses

Larien Larry Arnatuile

I felt like I was flying. It was exhilarating yet petrifying and I couldn't change direction or stop; it was as though I was on a fixed course.

Without warning I started to see flashes in front of my eyes. Like shooting stars or fireworks; beautiful yet terrifying.

Suddenly I thought of Vicky and mum. My father had left my mother to be with some twenty-year old girl. I never cared though.

But my mum never used to be like she is now. I think her brother's death had finally cracked her. To other people she was a kind, caring mother. Someone who would look after her kids.

~:FLASHBACK:~

_I walked down to the kitchen, school bag in tow. Summer has finally arrived and the forecast had shown that we would have good weather for a while. As I started making my breakfast I heard a dull noise against the skirting boards of our house._

_Clunk. _

_ I turned around, hoping it wasn't rats. But it wasn't. There she stood in a long white nightgown, her dark hair loose and tangled with a wild look in her eye. In her hand there was a knife._

_I blinked twice before actually feeling fear._

_"M-mum?" I stammered, backing away from the door. She wasn't usually like this. _

_"Good morning Olivia," my mother said, sounding normal as she walked into the kitchen and set the knife down to make a cup of tea._

_"Are you sick mum?" I asked anxiously as I started backing towards the door. To hell with breakfast!_

_ My mother sighed before picking up the knife again. _

_"Mum. Put. The. Knife. Down." I said as I reaching the doorway. She turned to me with a smile on her face and I ran out the door._

_I ran as fast as I could out of there._

_That wasn't the first time anything like that had happened actually. Many things had happened and it hurt to think of them. I had a scar on my arm from one of them. _

_My mother is crazy. So crazy I often wonder if I'm hallucinating when I'm around her. Knowing that she could kill me in an instant scares me. Knowing that she might not even remember doing it frightens me more._

_If I told anyone they wouldn't believe me. It all boils down to my word against hers and let's face it- would you believe a seemingly normal mother or her eighteen year old daughter who spends more time reading than anything else?_

~: END OF FLASHBACK:~

I felt like crying when I relived my memories. It was sad to think _I'm dying_ while remember different parts of my life. I liked to believe in a higher power, a god, if you will. But does a god really exist?

I wished I was at home with Vicky and- no, not her. I wish I was at home with Vicky. By now, they would probably know I'm dead. So much time has passed that it feels like _days_ have passed since I over-dosed on drugs. Those little, stupid drugs.

_Vicky, _I thought, _Vicky I'm so sorry for leaving you_

* * *

**Do you know how it is when you want to cry but you can't? When you don't want to think but thoughts are racing around your mind, bouncing off the walls of your brain (theoretically, of course)? I couldn't get it out of my head; the fact that I was either dead or dying. And, to be honest, it was slightly painful to not think of it. So there I was, dwelling on my past and dying. Two incompatible thoughts/ scenarios or whatever you want to call it- they were there.**


End file.
